Weekend Shopping!

 

Phone rings...
 
Girl: Hello.
 
Guy: My love how are you doing?
 
Girl: Am fine.
 
Guy: Will you be free during the weekend, you come to my house?
 
Girl: Am sorry, I can't make it because I will be attending my aunt's wedding and the next day I'l be busy, I'm so occupied.
 
Guy: Oh! Ok, was just planning to take you out for shopping, surprise you with an iPhone5, then buy you a new dress and the brazzilian hair you've been asking for...
 
Girl: I will be coming and I may even spend the whole weekend there if you want my love.
 
Guy: What about the wedding?
 
Girl: Which wedding, I was joking...
 
Guy: Me too...

May we see the new baby?

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE........... I forgot where I put it!!!"

One for me, one for you

 

Two little boys stole a bag of mangoes from their neighbor and decided to go to a calm place to share the loot.
 
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 mangoes fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
 
Few minuets latter a drunkard on his way from a local bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice: "One for me, one for you."One for me, one for you."
 
He immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the local priest.
 
"Father father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery."
 
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, one for you...
 
Suddenly the voice stop counting and says: "Hey, What about the two at the gate?"
 
The priest and the drunkard took to their heels shouting, "We are not dead yet... we are not dead yet... we are not dead yet..."

Knowledge is worth as much as gold!

There was this robbery in Bank.. The robber shouted to everyone : "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".
 
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
 
This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
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One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
 
This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
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When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count?? Tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
 
This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
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After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".
 
This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
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The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
 
This is called "Killing Boredom -> Happiness is most important."
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The next day, TV news reported that 100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million, the bank manager took 80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"
 
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
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What was the name of that clinic?

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
 
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."
 
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
 
"You mean a rose?"
 
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

I'd love to be six again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,HHH the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
 
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
 
"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."